i want to go. and be out in the sun. and be all alone. and have words finally leave my head and be replaced by nothing at all. id like to smoke and watch the clouds untill the difference between the two is much to hazy to discern. i want to define my reality in a way that no one will understand. but mostly i just want to go.

lauren

this is the new year

its been a while. i dont think anyone i know still has a xanga. but i need to get this out. i have to know that im trying to express myself. i dont know why im sad tonight. perhaps its looking at all the things that i used to say. and i meant them. i think that at least half the time i knew that God was all that matters. but now. now i still know that. but i dont know how to make that effect my life. because i refuse to make myself miserable trying to fit the role of a good person. and i refuse to believe that God is who they say he is. why does everyone change? i guess we cant help it. change is part of being human. i have never been a fan of change. some change hurts. like leaving home too early. like being honest in a way that my parents will never love. but knowing that as best they can, they are loving me. im sitting here in a dorm room, which i just one more change, and my best friend is across the room. if i didnt change, i would never know her. if i didnt take a stand for myself and get out of a very unhealthy relationship, i would never have let myself have the oppurtunity to go to college, to study art, to meet my best friend. if i had never allowed myself to change, if i have never accepted that though i may change, some things will never change, i wouldnt have found someone so amazing that i cant beleive i have her. thats right, she. she is mine.so i guess the moral of this is that i have to accept that some change is inevitable, and some things will never change. and find a way to see God in any and every change and consistency in my life.

lauren

               the greatest thing you could ever learn

                  is just to love and be loved in return

hey guys,

why do we grow up before we should? why cant i just for once be exactly the age i am? i remeber last year melting down about turning 17. and now i only have a few days left as a child. but in my heart, i have been grown up for too long now. i have nothing left to lose by mat kearny on repeat. and i cant help but to think. and wish. but it seems all my wishes belong to the little girl that i no longer am or to a woman that i can not yet be. i desperately want to grow up, and im fighting it with all i am. i think to myself "what would you do with the freedom of not being a child?" and i tell myself all the practical things. i would get a crappy job that  barely lets me make rent. and i would paint my entire apartment blue. all different shades. and i would be one of those people who only have ramen noodles and energy drinks. and i would travel and camp and buy postcards for my loved ones. but mostly i dont care if i do those things. i just want to start singing my own song. i can almost hear it now, singing to me softly of the girl i will be. and in a strange, sad way, i already miss her.

lauren

<and i don't know how hard this wind will blow
or where we'll go

come on and we'll sing, like we were free
push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
come on and we'll try, one last time
i'm off of the floor one more time to find you

and here we go there's nothing left to choose
and here we go there's nothing left to lose>

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
 
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
 
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there
 
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey
 
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
 
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
 
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me
 
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

this song always makes me cry

lue